The holiday season officially starts for me when the air is heavy with the aroma of butter and white wine as the turkey roasts in the oven, the cheerful din of Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade plays in the background, and on my lap are the glossy pages of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog.

The catalog is a 45-minute escape offering “the Best, the Only, and the Unexpected.”

The unique products inside range from the elevated ordinary, like The Heated Hoodie, to the truly opulent, like The Hot Tub Boat.

For a cool $42,000, you can tool around the lake at a toasty 104 degrees in a hot tub in a wooden boat.

Lots of imagination

I like to imagine what life would be like with each gadget and gizmo, like The Light Therapy Pain Relieving Slippers, which melt foot pain away with healing red light.

Or, The Wind Sensing Auto Close Patio Umbrella that detects wind and closes all on its own, preventing the frantic cranking of your patio umbrella as a storm rolls in.

Or, The Motorized Pool Float, which eliminates the awkward paddling when you’ve found yourself drifting away in a pool.

Simply point the joystick in the direction of your friends and motor right over to them.  

The Italian Countertop Pizza Oven, The Genuine Irish Flannel Lounge Pants, The 15 Foot Inflatable Rudolph with Blinking Nose, The Personalized 3D Hologram Vitrine, The Heated Shiatsu Full Body Massage Mat, The National Geographic Night Vision Goggles, The Smile Electric Golf Cart, and The Shiitake Mushroom Log — all these products provide a novel upgrade to the lived experience of everyday life.

Just think how much stealthier you could be when foraging for a midnight snack if you had a pair of night vision goggles.

No more giving yourself away by tripping over shoes in a dark hallway!

The most desired gift

Indeed, life would be a little more fun or convenient with any of these gifts.

But for some reason, Hammacher Schlemmer has neglected to include the thing that’s at the top of my Christmas list, the ultimate luxury item: The Church Dishwasher.

This powerhouse of appliances can tackle a load of dishes in two minutes flat, saving the average cook an eternity of dishwashing after every meal.

With this in your kitchen, you could be done with the dishes before anyone asks what’s for dessert.

By heating water hot enough to take the skin off your hands, The Church Dishwasher eviscerates hot lunch tray germs and blasts away the toughest grime the fish fry crowd can throw its way.

Your dishes won’t just be clean; they’ll be sanitized within an inch of their lives.

Feel the cleaning power of this mighty machine as you throw down the metal arm of the hood, releasing a veritable car wash of water hot enough to make the needle break through the thermometer on the front.

And, because the dishes come out smoking hot, they’ll dry before you find mittens for your helpers, whom you volunteered to put the dishes away.

As a bonus, The Church Dishwasher comes with its own spray sink and long metal table so you, too, can enjoy a quarter mile of gleaming kitchen work space just like in the parish kitchen.

So, while The Genuine Turkish Cotton Gauze Robe would make my morning routine more lovely, The Home Manicure Gel Spa would bring the glamour of the nail salon right to my kitchen table, and The Stair Climbing Hand Truck would be a constant companion of mine, if we’re letting our imaginations run wild with our wish lists, this Christmas I’ll ask for the most extravagant gift of all: The Church Dishwasher.